


dan, look at me

by philssunflowers



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, References to Depression, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26463079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philssunflowers/pseuds/philssunflowers
Summary: a late night chat between dan and kath, inspired by dan’s book title- you will get through this night
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	dan, look at me

**Author's Note:**

> i was wondering where dan got the title of his book from and ended up writing this. i hope you enjoy it! :)
> 
> there are mentions of past trauma (though it’s not in any detail) so be careful if you’re triggered by things like that!

May 18th 2013, 02:36  
Dan was sat in a heap on the cold tiled floor of the Lester’s kitchen, clutching a glass of tepid water in his shaking hand. His eyes were slowly closing from weariness but the boy had no energy to get up and go back to bed. So there he stayed. Alone with his thoughts, with no distractions. Forced to confront the things he desperately wanted to forget about. School, home, his whole past, everything was before him, fresh in his mind, as if it was still happening. As if he was still trapped by it all. But he supposed he still was, even if it’d been a few years ago. He felt like the weight of the world was resting upon his shoulders and he could do nothing about it. Dan was terrified.

A light flickered on in the hallway, briefly catching Dan’s attention, though he didn’t care to look up and see who it was. He soon found out, as a pair of light footsteps got closer and closer and he heard a soft voice, “Dan? What are you doing down there?” 

Dan peered up to find Kath stood above him, worry smeared across her face. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. Instead the boy just looked, his eyes full and empty, the joyful glint from earlier that day now gone.  
“Are you ok, love?”  
He shook his head with such little movement that Kath could barely tell he had done it.  
“Well I’m just going to make myself a cup of tea and then we can go and have a chat on the sofa, how about that? Would you like anything?”  
“No thank you,” Dan almost whispered. 

They stayed in silence, just the noise of the bubbling kettle filling the room, until Dan was dragging himself up off the floor and into the living room, where he sank slowly into the ageing sofa. 

“Talk to me, Dan. I don’t like to see any of my sons feeling upset or down about anything,” Kath gently coaxed him. He felt himself go red, and feel a bit warm inside, when she referred to him as her son.  
“I- um,” Dan breathed slowly, trying to figure out the right words to say. What if she didn’t understand? What if she thought he was a freak and refused to let him keep seeing Phil? It sounded ridiculously far fetched in hindsight, but it kept tugging at his brain, telling him he shouldn’t open up to her.  
“Is it something to do with Phil? You’re not getting on at the moment, perhaps?” she suggested.  
“No! Nothing like that. Phil’s-“ he sighed, “it’s not him. It’s me. My head. I don’t know,” he frowned, eyes fixated on the rug.  
“Your head? As in your thoughts?”  
He just nodded.  
“You can tell me about it. I won’t judge you. You’re safe, Dan.” she assured him.  
“It’s just that I feel so numb all the time,” he uttered hesitantly. His eyes danced around the room anxiously, refusing to look at her. “But also like I feel nothing and everything at the same time.”  
“What do you mean by ‘everything’,?” she asked tentatively, not wanting to scare away the shred of confidence he’d managed to hold onto.  
“I had a-“ he paused, unsure of how much he should tell her, “a messy time as a kid. Got bullied and stuff. It won’t go away. I can’t stop thinking about it. And with all that happened online last year I-“ he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, “I’m just so scared.”

Before Dan knew what was happening, he was being pulled into a bone crushing hug. “You’ll be ok, Dan. I promise,” she let go and faced him.  
“But you can’t know that. Anything could happen. It’s just going to get worse. I can’t-“ he sniffled, “I can’t go on anymore. Not even another day. Not like this.”

“Dan, look at me,” Kath said, and their wet eyes met, “you will get through this night. And tomorrow. And the day after. I promise, okay?”  
Dan slowly nodded, the void in his chest feeling slightly less empty, as those words echoed through his mind. 

You will get through this night.

“Why don’t you go upstairs and find your Phil, yeah? Give him a cuddle, he won’t mind, you know he won’t. Get some sleep, love, okay?”  
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

They rose from the sofa and tiptoed up the stairs, switching all the lights off as they went, but Dan wasn’t scared. Not this time. He was surrounded by people who cared about him and that thought stayed with him as he edged the door to Phil’s old bedroom open and slipped inside. He climbed into the bed, pulling the duvet over himself, his hands reaching out to find Phil’s warmth under the sheets. Dan shuffled closer towards him, burying his face into his partner’s chest, feeling comforted. Phil’s arms instinctively wrapped around him, despite being in a deep, heavy sleep. He wasn’t quite happy, not by a long shot, but he was closer than before. It didn’t take long for him to drift into a dreamless sleep, his limbs entangled with Phil’s and Kath’s words still playing on his mind. 

Dan got through that night. 

And so will you. 

<3


End file.
